In my pessimistic state.

 

A little shine of hope will take you far and beyond.

A blog created to unveil my hidden emotions from the world.
Can't tell if it's a pleasure to unlock these long-lost feelings or a burden to be reminded of what could be and what is happening at the moment.
It's the only space I have left to channel all the negative energy to without affecting the majority.
Where do I begin, since last two years, I have been absolutely happier than how I was 2 years ago.
I do not regret at all my decision in leaving and starting a new life.
Sure, I do feel forgotten at times but if they truly are your friends, they will never forget you.
We're talking about the people i hold dearly, the ones I experienced my teenage life with. These people are so important to me I can't seem to express it enough.

The one thing I hate about myself is that I am really, really bad at expressing myself. Sometimes I can be good with words, but I have the slightest hope for expressing how I truly feel in simple actions.
I complicate things a lot. It's not that I want to but I just want people to understand me and sometimes simplicity is not enough to bring what I have in mind across to others.
It's really hard on me and at times I just give up in trying to convey my message.
This is because if I continue explaining myself, I end up confusing the person, complicating things and contradicting myself.
Maybe it's because I lack the proficiency to actually say what conjures in my mind.
Perhaps if I continue reading more and building up my vocabulary, I would find it easier to express myself.

I have matured a lot, going through all these terrible, unfortunate events.
I can't even deny it and sometimes it really scares me, how much I've grown.
I don't want to grow up, reality scares me and I'm trying so hard to come back to the real world.
I shouldn't have escaped it then because right now I'm like a lost soul floating about, still trying to find the place called home.
During the time I decided to run away from the harsh facts of life, my behavior aged backwards ten times but my mentality remained as is and continued growing from there.
I really shouldn't have because right now, I can't run anymore, I can't hide.
I have to face everything now with my enclosed heart but to do so is impossible, and so I've to open up again which gives me a lot of pain.

About this year, reality kicked me in the ass. It took me on a horrific ride, a ride I never want to remember. 
I'm truly, sincerely sorry to those I have dragged in together with me on that ride because really, you guys ended up taking blows that were meant for only me.
I can't thank all of you enough for facing those problems with me but now I've to do it on my own.
I can't bare to see another person hurt because of me and I still will never forgive myself.
I smile and act as if nothing happened but everything still plays in my head like a broken record.

I'm typing every random things that come popping into my head so forgive me if it sounds too much like I'm jumping all over the place.
I'm really frustrated with myself because sometimes I feel things that don't even seem legitimate. 
Sometimes, I don't get why I feel a certain way but maybe others don't too.
But it's really bad because if I don't attend to these feelings by satisfying my needs, these feelings will eventually eat me up.
I'll feel like it's better to shut myself away from the rest of the world and be all alone because people hurt and disappoint to a certain extent.
It's much better to resort to books that take you on a whole new adventure and help you forget about the things happening that just make you want to disappear.

I know that this is not at all what I should be thinking because obviously there's a brighter side to life, a rainbow on the other end but this is how people think when they're feeling all pessimistic.
And they just can't help it at the moment.


This is not how I want to be seen by the rest of the world.
Elayne.