In my pessimistic state.

 

A little shine of hope will take you far and beyond.

A blog created to unveil my hidden emotions from the world.
Can't tell if it's a pleasure to unlock these long-lost feelings or a burden to be reminded of what could be and what is happening at the moment.
It's the only space I have left to channel all the negative energy to without affecting the majority.
Where do I begin, since last two years, I have been absolutely happier than how I was 2 years ago.
I do not regret at all my decision in leaving and starting a new life.
Sure, I do feel forgotten at times but if they truly are your friends, they will never forget you.
We're talking about the people i hold dearly, the ones I experienced my teenage life with. These people are so important to me I can't seem to express it enough.

The one thing I hate about myself is that I am really, really bad at expressing myself. Sometimes I can be good with words, but I have the slightest hope for expressing how I truly feel in simple actions.
I complicate things a lot. It's not that I want to but I just want people to understand me and sometimes simplicity is not enough to bring what I have in mind across to others.
It's really hard on me and at times I just give up in trying to convey my message.
This is because if I continue explaining myself, I end up confusing the person, complicating things and contradicting myself.
Maybe it's because I lack the proficiency to actually say what conjures in my mind.
Perhaps if I continue reading more and building up my vocabulary, I would find it easier to express myself.

I have matured a lot, going through all these terrible, unfortunate events.
I can't even deny it and sometimes it really scares me, how much I've grown.
I don't want to grow up, reality scares me and I'm trying so hard to come back to the real world.
I shouldn't have escaped it then because right now I'm like a lost soul floating about, still trying to find the place called home.
During the time I decided to run away from the harsh facts of life, my behavior aged backwards ten times but my mentality remained as is and continued growing from there.
I really shouldn't have because right now, I can't run anymore, I can't hide.
I have to face everything now with my enclosed heart but to do so is impossible, and so I've to open up again which gives me a lot of pain.

About this year, reality kicked me in the ass. It took me on a horrific ride, a ride I never want to remember. 
I'm truly, sincerely sorry to those I have dragged in together with me on that ride because really, you guys ended up taking blows that were meant for only me.
I can't thank all of you enough for facing those problems with me but now I've to do it on my own.
I can't bare to see another person hurt because of me and I still will never forgive myself.
I smile and act as if nothing happened but everything still plays in my head like a broken record.

I'm typing every random things that come popping into my head so forgive me if it sounds too much like I'm jumping all over the place.
I'm really frustrated with myself because sometimes I feel things that don't even seem legitimate. 
Sometimes, I don't get why I feel a certain way but maybe others don't too.
But it's really bad because if I don't attend to these feelings by satisfying my needs, these feelings will eventually eat me up.
I'll feel like it's better to shut myself away from the rest of the world and be all alone because people hurt and disappoint to a certain extent.
It's much better to resort to books that take you on a whole new adventure and help you forget about the things happening that just make you want to disappear.

I know that this is not at all what I should be thinking because obviously there's a brighter side to life, a rainbow on the other end but this is how people think when they're feeling all pessimistic.
And they just can't help it at the moment.


This is not how I want to be seen by the rest of the world.
Elayne.

Pictures;

Characters in my story :)

Theme day 2012!! :D

<3

Onigiri that I made earlier this year :)

Kenny Rogers :D

Mac & Cheese...yummmm :D

CNY <3

RISOTTO :D

An update on life.

:3

Hi dear blog :')

It's been a very long time and since i'm free now, i'll write you a very summarized summary on what is currently going on in my life.

I have escaped the depths of USJ8 and am currently expanding my education in Sirius Scholar, Ace Edventure.

Yes I am form 5 this year but i'm not taking SPM. I am going to sit for IGCSE and no, it's not easy for even getting a C means you are top 40% of the world. That means the rest of the 60% taking the test fails. So yeah, good luck to me there.

I have met many new friends as well and I wish i could name all of you but there are too many and i'm afraid that i'll accidentally leave some of you out. You guys know who you are. :)

I have strongly bonded with my classmates, 4 Onyx class of 2011, 5 Onyx class of 2012.

We're like one big family and i love them. :)

Not only them, but others too from different classes and forms. Not to mention the teachers there as well. They are part of the reason why my schooling days are awesome.

I have recently started ice skating again but only for a short while because I'll be performing(a bigg group performance) with all my friends whom i've not seen for a very long time.

I am very grateful and happy to be able to see them again and skate alongside them.

I am still making singing covers as I still am passionate about singing. As i stepped foot at Sirius Scholar, I met many people who share the same interest and are probably more devoted to music than I'll ever be.

Because of them, I gathered a lot of experience and i'm gonna level up soon! har har har, laugh with me c'mon. :D

I am still gaming a whole lot.

I started playing more FPS games than MMORPG.

Maybe it's cause majority is playing FPS games now. Or it's because they have better graphics and story lines and all you do in MMORPG games is grind.

That's pretty much it for now, I'll update again next time.

Cheerio.

Love,

Elayne.

Unveiled thoughts.

I've waited all my life to cross this line to the only thing that's true.

xx.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

To witness the smiles of your dear ones enhances your day an awful lot :)

To be able to laugh sincerely and feel once again, happiness growing from the heart.

They are the ones who mysteriously hold the power to uncage my emotions, the ones whom i'll never get tired of.

I am a blessed girl to have friends like these.

In case you guys can't tell, I miss the time we spent together, fortunate or unfortunate events, happy or sad, good or bad, every moment has been inscribed on my heart and I guess you lot really left footprints all over me.

Thanks a bunch of roses, really, for spending today with me.

These are friends you will never want to replace and I can't wait to meet up with the rest. :)

Love,

Elayne.

For somebody that I used to know.

forgotten memories.

Your rippling images remain as nothing but silhouettes in my unspoken dreams.

Each glance represents the remnants of emotions in my inhabited heart, triggering reminiscence of the dreadful but valuable time spent.

The cold atmosphere around us is not brought by the weather but simply by the presence of a lost soul trying to surpass a level of awkwardness.

The sight of your smirk, slowly lengthening from ear to ear flashes across my vision every now and then, undulating and disappearing from my conscience but not my shielded heart.

My barrier, strengthened by a long-lasting hope shining from the above that truthfully signified nothing but a sign to advance towards another direction, an unseen path.

Pools have been inevitably forming whenever I catch a glimpse of you and seeing you makes it harder to suppress the containment in my heart's core.

Every breath becomes heavier as the icy atmosphere takes over, freezing my every movement.

My tongue gets tied and puts me at loss for words.

I am like a statuette that is always unnoticed.

The weight of this situation continues to rest on my shoulders as i put myself in jeopardy.

How did an emotion that warms your heart turn into something that helps you bleed inside?

Has the fire in your heart depleted? Must I conjure it again?

Elayne.

Life.

Entry 1.

Everytime i think of you, you remind me of how karma works. What goes around, comes around.
True, it is. But you only hurt for a couple of months and i've been hurting for years.
How does that seem fair?
Maybe it is.
Some people say when you do something bad to a person, you'll be punished 12 times worst.
So maybe this is the punishment i'm getting for being such a mean person to you.
but to tell you the truth, I ended it as soon as i could for i know that you deserve better.
I really loved you from the bottom of my heart but knowing i'm not good enough for you, I had a crucial decision to make.
If i had ever continued, then only will I be the bad person.
I see you found happiness, i'm really happy for you, that's all i can say.
Now after years, i have to move on to the next chapter, to find my happiness and forget about you.

Entry 2.

I never thought that this would ever happen to me but first time in my life, i've been played like a fool.
I followed your cries like a blind man would and was slowly hypnotized into your play box, figuring I was your favourite toy at least. I was never more wrong in my life.
Knowing I'm the idiot i already am, I still let you play with me because i loved how you would imagine me as the girl of your dreams, the girl you would exchange vows with someday.
Although I secretly dream of being that girl, I knew that you would never think of a worn out toy like me, for after all, i am only a toy.

Entry 3.

I hear cries every night, from outside my hole. And when i peeked out, all I can see is a cheese.
Its wonderful scent that one can't resist, tried to lure me out from the only safe spot i know of.
I tried my hardest to not be bothered by its nature, but i can't ignore such a brilliant creation.
And when i reached out for it, I felt pain crawling up my tail.
That's when i realized, I was blinded by lies.

Y U NO