My 24th birthday.

I understand now.

It wasn't just your life going backwards. It was mine too. And you didn't know what to do anymore. It frustrated you. I understand now.

I let myself go, wallowed in the bad things that happened to me. Cried in self pity and didn't pick myself up. That was a grave mistake.

What I did only led to me losing the important things, opportunities and people around me. I was a joke. To everyone, to myself. I should have never went there.

I understand now that to achieve my one true goal in life; to be happy, is not impossible. I had only one thing stopping me, myself. I will not let that happen anymore.

Let my 24th birthday signify this; rebirth and regrowth.

Absorb the good, throw away the bad. Pick myself up, come back stronger. It's okay if it is not perfect now. It is going to be hard, but I will do it anyway. Even if I am crying, I will still do it. Because in the end, it will be done.

Thank you for putting me back into my place. The strong woman who I once was and lost, should never go missing ever again. Things will be very different now. I will embrace this change.

Let go of the pain, but never forget, what is the meaning of my 24th birthday.


Love,
Elayne

100 Truths Challenge - 10 years later

Hey all, so I've decided to read my blog again to reminisce the good o'l days and I came across this 100 truths tag which I did when I was 14.

I've decided that I would like to attempt it again at 24, and see how much has changed!! 

Let's start -

@ 14 years old:

100 truths,tag 10 people to do the same. Don't forget to tag!

Last beverage ? Mil0! LoL

Last phone call ? Kai Qin ((:

Last text message ? Nutty nat ! haha

Last song you listened to ? Kau terlalu istimewaa :D

Last time you cried? forgott.

HAVE YOU EVER:

Dated someone twice ? no ?

Been cheated on ? erm.

Kissed someone & regretted it ? nope. 

Lost someone special? yeahhh.

IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU:

Fallen out of love ? sometimes.

Laughed until you cried ? YEAA BABEYH ! XD

Met someone who changed your life ? hmm, dontknow. XD

Found out someone was talking about you ? yeaa -_____-

How many people on your top friends do you know in real life? ? all ? 

Do you have any pets ? yess ;D

Do you want to change your name ? nope, he likes it, i like it :DD

What time did you wake up today ? hahHA LaTE !

What were you doing at midnight last night ? gaming XD

Name something you cannot wait for ? exam to be over -____-

The last time you saw your father? just now.

What's one thing you wish you could change? NOTHING ;D

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom ? hahha no.

What's getting on your nerves right now ? for now, nothing. XD

What's your name ? Elayne Leong Yee Ling :D

Elementary/Primary School? ermm, Sek. Seri Selangor, then, SK Hicom :D

Middle/Secondary School ? SMK USJ 8!

Hair color ? brownish black :D

Long or short ? long XD

Are you a health freak ? me ? healthy ? XD

Righty or lefty ? rightayyhhh ;D

FIRSTS :

First surgery ? never.

First piercing ? when i was in kidergarten HAHA.

First best friend ? Tiffany ? haha met her when i was 4 !

First sport you joined ? Figure skating ((:

First pet ? either dog, fish or toitise. haha, idk. XD

First vacation ? forgot. XD

CURRENTLY :

Eating ? nothing.

Drinking ? nothing

Waiting ? for him ! LOL

YOUR FUTURE :

Want kids? LOL, idk ;D

Want to get married? if he propose HAHA.

Careers in mind? dontknow. XD

HAVE YOU EVER :

Kissed a stranger ? stranger? nooo -____- 

Drank Wine/Beer/alcohol ? yeaa. XD

Lost glasses/contacts ? nope.

Ran away from home ? nope.

Broken someone's heart ? yea, im sorry ):

Been arrested ?nope.. imma good girl :D

Cried when someone died ? most obviously ):

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

Yourself ? yeaa.

Miracles ? haha maybe.

Love at first sight ? hmm.. (:

Heaven ? not sure XD

Kiss on the first date? LOLS.

Angels ? i wonder. XD

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :

Is there one person you want to be with right now? YEAA!

Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? NO -_____-

Do you believe in God? hmm.. (:


@ 24 years old:

100 truths,tag 10 people to do the same. Don't forget to tag!

Last beverage ? Water

Last phone call ? Vonn

Last text message ? Terry

Last song you listened to ? Dancing On My Own - Calum Scott

Last time you cried? Just now

HAVE YOU EVER:

Dated someone twice ? Nope

Been cheated on ? Yes

Kissed someone & regretted it ? Nope

Lost someone special? Yes

IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU:

Fallen out of love ? Nope

Laughed until you cried ? Yes

Met someone who changed your life ? Nope

Found out someone was talking about you ? Yes

How many people on your top friends do you know in real life? All

Do you have any pets ? Yes

Do you want to change your name ? No

What time did you wake up today ? 9:20am

What were you doing at midnight last night ? Playing Albion

Name something you cannot wait for ? Cannot wait to dye my hair

The last time you saw your father? Just now

What's one thing you wish you could change? Not wanting to die all the time

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom ? Yes

What's getting on your nerves right now ? Annoyance

What's your name ? Elayne Leong Yee Ling

Elementary/Primary School? Seri Selangor & SK Hicom

Middle/Secondary School ? SMK USJ 8 & Sirius Scholar

Hair color ? Black

Long or short ? Long

Are you a health freak ? Not really, no

Righty or lefty ? Righty

FIRSTS :

First surgery ? 2016 - Appendicitis

First piercing ? When I was six, pierced my ear lobes

First best friend ? Tiffany, since 3 years old!

First sport you joined ? Ice Skating

First pet ? Mabel & Prince, the miniature pinscher 

First vacation ? Don't remember, sorry

CURRENTLY :

Eating ? Nope

Drinking ? Water

Waiting ? To sleep

YOUR FUTURE :

Want kids? Not sure

Want to get married? Not sure

Careers in mind? Not sure, but I just want to be happy

HAVE YOU EVER :

Kissed a stranger ? Yes

Drank Wine/Beer/alcohol ? Yes

Lost glasses/contacts ? Nope

Ran away from home ? Nope

Broken someone's heart ? Yes

Been arrested ? Nope

Cried when someone died ? Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

Yourself ? Nope

Miracles ? Maybe

Love at first sight ? Nah

Heaven ? Not sure

Kiss on the first date? Yes

Angels ? Maybe

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :

Is there one person you want to be with right now? Myself

Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Nope

Do you believe in God? Creator maybe

_____________________________________________________________

Welp, nothing much has changed HAHAHA.

See ya around.
ELayne

Bring me into eternal slumber.

Fighting bad thoughts

It's true when they say it's all in the head.
From what I know, when you're having a bad time or bad mood everything seems to be bad.
Your whole world will feel like it's crumbling down.
It's hard to change your mindset or feel better when it seems like nothing good is ever gonna happen.
I have come to an understanding that the mind and the heart may set at two different points.
I'm able to understand one thing and yet feel that it's not to my liking even though it may be the "right" thing.
For the past few months I have been in a war with myself.
My heart wanting one thing but my brain wanting another.
Is it wrong to say I understand when it is not what I truly want?
It is suffering and really damaging to myself.
But today I had a realization and I want to write this down before forgetting.
The reason why it was so hard to feel that it's okay although I have an understanding is just because I didn't believe in myself.
I didn't believe my own reasoning and I didn't trust that it'll all be okay although it's the right thing.
I didn't have enough trust in my partner or friends.
I want that to change, and so I'm going to try. Not try, I'm going to do it.
My ultimate goal for this life would be trusting without the fear of breaking.
and I'm going to work towards it. BE STRONG ELAYNE. You can do this.
No need to be scared anymore, you know it yourself that life is short so what's the point in focusing on all these bad feelings. Sure, some things do not turn out as you favour it to but you know what?
THAT'S OKAY. Cause it's not the end of the world yet so that's fine.
You can do it. Don't forget.

Love,
Elayne.

Saturdate

Hey all.
Supposed to be working on my practical report now but I feel so reluctant to read them articles.
I guess it's progress because I've found 4 extra articles already.
All that's left is to read them and write literature reviews on them.
Also I'm only halfway done with the methods section, ugh.
I don't really know how to use google docs, so as I was designing the table I can't seem to make the size vertically smaller. I can do it on microsoft word tho. Somebody please teach me, haha.

On Saturday, I had a messy day but I think it just gradually got better as the day went on.
Went out with Calvin and we headed to Subang Parade to get Boost Juice :D King William Chocolate ftw. The one in SS15 was closed, guess they don't open on weekends(?)

Subang Parade was having a Japanese snacks fair and I wanted to check it out so we went and saw almost every item there.
We bought ourselves Oreo, green tea flavoured and also rice seasoning! Because I wanted to try a new one as I've always been using the ones sold in Daiso.
I was actually looking for the ones with the sakura shaped seasoning but they didn't sell it.

This is the rice seasoning. 

Not entirely sure what flavour it is but i'm hoping it's salmon and not only showing the salmon picture just because it's Kirimi hehe.

It comes in mini packets like these. Soooo cute.

and this is the Oreo green tea. 

We went to Tokyo Kitchen in One City for dinner. We have been wanting to try this place out for quite some time now but it was always raining and if we had to go to to One City, I would much prefer it to not be raining because I want to visit the SkyPark too.

The environment was really nice, with a small pond and flowers (which I have no photos of hehe) and also they have this small wooden tiles which I believe they previously allowed customers to write on(read them on other blogs);they decorated the side of the stairs really well.

I feel that the food was quite worth it because the portion of food they give is what i'd imagine i'd get for paying that amount. Also, the food was yummy!

This is what i ordered, the salmon sashimi set which caused a little less than 30 ringgit.

A close up, nom nom.

We also ordered honey milk. We wanted to try the Tokyo Kitchen honey milk with red bean but unfortunately they didn't have it at that time. It was really nice imo but personally we would prefer it with a little less honey hehe.

We also had the salmon belly and it was really good. I mean how can salmon belly not be good hehe. Calvin was especially happy with how thick the slices are.

He ordered cha soba with tempura. It was alright. He felt that there were missing elements like the daikon and quail egg and that it could be better with them. It was also about the same price as the salmon sashimi set.

After dinner, we headed to the SkyPark and we saw many people, kids in particular, playing with the giant bubbles! We wanted to try it too but were too shy because we'd be the only adults there haha.

Even so, we wanted to get one ourselves and we bought a giant bubble maker (I've no idea what to call it omg), and the solution needed. We got a free bowl to put the solution in with our purchase.

And of course I'd choose a pink bowl, heh heh.

There were also kids riding on the animal rides. There was one Doraemon one and it even played the music, hahah. 

The place looked really colourful and pretty. 

If only I was exposed to that type on environment more frequently, feel like I need some of that colour and brightness in my life. :p

We went back to our own respective homes after and watched Toriko till we sleep :)

More blog posts yaaaaay.

Love,

Elayne.

I think it's through this blog that you can really tell how I've grown.
I may be slow in growing or maybe to some, fast, but I've definitely not remained the same.
Haha, I wonder is anybody still actually reading this blog? :)
How do I stick to the habit of blogging everyday?
Cause I STILL think that blogging and writing my feelings out will help me a lot.
I have a lot of things in mind and I believe that venting it out here will be much better than cultivating all these negative thoughts and emotions in my mind.
Most of the time I forget I have a place to let them out but a lot of times I am just lazy and I end up damaging myself.
If you've noticed, these past few years I've just been writing everything out very vaguely.
In comparison to the year 2009, I wrote everything out from what I do everything to how I feel about everything and I sort of miss that.
I guess I'm just afraid of people judging me when they read this but why should that stop me from expressing myself? Am I right....hahaaa...

So recently I just got discharged from the hospital because I had my appendix removed.
It was swelling for the whole day and when I went to a clinic, the doctor referred me to the hospital to check and they said the signs were that of someone having appendicitis.
That night itself i underwent surgery because it was painful.
I used to look down on appendicitis because it's quite commonly discussed. By looking down I mean that I felt that it was just something common and nothing to worry about but damn was the pain real.
Even after surgery it was so painful. The anesthetics wore off and when I woke up I immediately felt the pain and tears just came out. The nurse gave me painkillers but it was still a little painful.
I couldn't move at all for that night and the next day but I had to try.
I needed to pee so I tried to go to the toilet and it was really suffering because I couldn't breathe properly and it was hurting so much. That was 6 days ago, I am much better now. I can stand and walk but still really slowly and I can't actually stand upright.
I'd like to truly thank all the people who were with me throughout that experience. I am so so grateful to all of you who helped me. Thank you so much.

Because of this, I missed pretty much a lot of classes and I'm currently behind on a lot of things.
I'm quite stressed out because I've no clue how to do what I'm supposed to do and I don't really know where to start. Maybe it's just because I'm panicking and I really wished I knew how to take the first step. I've a lot of things due just next week and that's probably why I feel like I can't relax although I need to recover.
I was trying to figure out how to transfer the data that I have from excel to SPSS but now here I am typing all this cause I felt the need to rant haha.

Okay byeee, till the next time.
Elayne

3:25am, 18 June 2015.

This year has been full of ups and downs.

It's like when 2015 began, I sat in the roller coaster and till now, I am still on it.
Rather than going up and down, I've been stuck in a loop, going in circles.
I've been experiencing new things and having so much fun.
I always believe that, when you're up this high, you're bound to go very low as well.
That is why, aside from having so much fun, so many bad things have been happening.
Therefore, the constant roller coaster ride.
I guess in a way, you can say there's always pros and cons to everything.

Though I have many down moments, I am very lucky for I have amazing people around me.
I am so thankful and grateful to have them in my life and I am truly blessed.
I promise that I will never forget that.
I also believe that I am able to overcome everything mostly because of the support I have and definitely a strong and positive mindset.
Everything happens for a reason and sometimes it is also for the better.

I choose to only remember the good and learn from the bad then flush them away.
Glad that everything that gave me happiness, happened as I have learnt to accept that not everything will go as planned.
It's best to not make a big deal out of disappointments but rather to stay calm and see what or where it can be fixed. If it can't be fixed then it's probably best to let go or unnecessary pain will remain and that is really not needed.

Life is short. I choose to enjoy it to the fullest. It's not anyone's fault if I come to do things I am not proud of. In the end of the day, they are all my decisions and nobody forced me into it. Blaming would not do any good to anyone as well. I will not regret nor apologize for anything except one, for worrying those around me who care. I am so sorry.

I think everybody can be happy if they want to. Even if it's hard or if you don't want to, you should remember to think of what's better for your own good. Maybe by thinking that way, it will help in making a decision quicker without the need to dwell in the problem while contemplating.

Life is without a doubt hard but simple.

I honestly think I have too many problems at the moment but don't worry, I'll be fine :)

and those for you who care, THANK YOU.
I really wouldn't be here if it wasn't for each and everyone of you.
You know who you are.
Please know that this is the impact you have on someone. Me.
Please know that you guys saved me and still are helping me, giving me the will to improve myself every single day. Words aren't enough but thank you.


3:57am, 18 June 2015.
Lots and lots of love,
Elayne.